Your couplehood is not about you. Your couplehood is about itself. Paraphrasing these words of Harville Hendrix gives clarity to the premise with which I approach counseling with couples. While attending to the individual’s needs within the relatiohship, I believe a pro-relationship stance, not pro-self, is necessary in changing negative relationship patterns. Unmet individual needs, childhood relationship trauma (often effecting the relationship) can be met and addressed effectively by attending to the relationship needs as the primary focus. Knowing what you and your partner need to feel safe and secure (knowing how the other thinks and feels), managing you and your partner’s general level of arousal in order to stay emotionally regulated to avoid fighting, becoming experts on how to please and soothe each other, and developing a new style of relating, are a few of the pro-relationship focuses I address.